How to “just be Yourself”?
I overheard my flatmate on the phone the other day. She was prepping a job candidate for an interview. Out came that well intentioned piece of advice to“just be yourself.” Ah! It sounds so simple. As if me just being me breathing was all it took. I believe it’s one of the most difficult things you can do.
“Just be yourself” is often meant as encouragement that who you are when you feel safe, happy and free is really delightful and you should let more people see that side of you. How often do you feel safe, happy and free? How do you “just be yourself” with a racing heart and a mind obsessing over how someone is responding to you? How do you do “just be yourself” when you feel dead and muted inside? How do you do it when you’re so busy you haven’t even eaten any food for the day?
Authenticity aka “just being yourself” is a journey of unraveling who you are from who you were conditioned to be and beginning to align the way you choose to live your life with an understanding of what fills you up & gives you joy and energy rather than making choices from obligation, shoulds or guilt. I’m struck by how often people equate guilt and worry with care and empathy. You can love someone and tell them no. This is very clear to some but this is like rocket science to anyone whose been raised to people please. And, while I am on my soapbox let me just say if you are a women who grew up in the patriarchy, you were cultured on some level to be kind, accommodating and to people please for acceptance. If you can’t say no in your life, you can’t really say YES in your life. Your yes means nothing without your no.
So, people pleasing was my inauthentic. However, there are many different flavors. It might look like working a prestigious, high paying job that you hate. It might look like sarcasm & a stiff upper lip. It might look like needing to be the life of the party at all times. The thing is that usually there is some semblance of truth (our authentic self) wrapped up in these maladaptive strategies. I am in fact a very empathic and sensitive person who does care about the needs of others. The workaholic may in fact enjoy challenge or feel called towards expertise. The life of the party is in fact extroverted and enjoys performing. This is where it gets a little tricky. This is why it’s a journey.
Dr. Gabor Mate teaches that humans have 2 core needs when we are babies. We have a need for attachment to our main caregiver and we have a need for authenticity. Almost 100% of the time we choose our attachment needs over the needs for authenticity (i.e. our gut) because attachment at that stage has a greater impact on our survival. So we learn to forgo our gut knowing in order for connection. That means becoming authentic means confronting deep, survival level fear over loosing connection. Maybe there’s an easier way. I’m open to it! I just haven’t seen it yet. This is why many of us opt for what is validating and known over what is true. There is no shame in this. It makes a lot sense when we look at it with this knowledge. AND we can begin to choose differently if we want.
THE BODY GIVES CLUES YOU CAN FOLLOW LIKE BREAD CRUMBS BACK HOME TO YOUR TRUTH
Build a relationship to the sensations in your body. This takes practice if you are used to living solely from the mind. Hot spot areas that tend to hold our trauma (aka portals to our truth) are the throat, the heart and the gut. Notice when you feel constriction or tension in these areas. Notice when you want to shutdown or close off.
Anger is your friend. Say what! Yep, anger is a powerful ally that when observed from a distance offers up oodles of intel on what matters to you. I find the gifts of anger tend to be different for men and women. Overall anger can be the tip of the iceberg to exploring a whole slew of other emotions. It also tends to point out where our boundaries have been crossed, where our needs are not being met and where we are living or interacting out of alignment.
Pay attention to what gives you energy and what takes energy away from you. Coach Tip: Set an alarm in your phone with the question, “Does what I am doing right now give me energy or take away energy?”
These awareness exercises will help you build a relationship with your body & your emotions. Cultivating body & emotional awareness are key components to having more choice in how we show up and give us clues as to when we are living in our truth and when we feel misaligned.
Curious about how coaching can help turn your awarenesses into action in your life? Book a free Discovery Call today.